Understanding Myself

I spent the afternoon, yesterday, with a good friend who has moved to Texas. Georgia* has had a bit of a rough time of it since moving. It’s her first time living alone and the stress has brought out some issues. She and I were chatting about that and I had an epiphany about myself (selfish, aren’t I?).

I’ve been kicking myself for not going to school much earlier, when I didn’t have to work and wouldn’t have to juggle work, kids in school, parents and my own school. I’ve come to the realization that I could not have gone to school anyway. I was not emotionally ready to do it.

All these years I’ve still been dealing with my grief and my PTSD. A huge part of the PTSD is panic attacks when put into a new situation. Going to school would have been a huge “new” situation for me. Also, while I was home, I was homeschooling. My kids come first. They always have and they always will. I do not believe I could have juggled homeschooling them and going to school full-time myself.

I’ve also realized that I’ve healed to the point that while I’m scared, it’s an exciting scared. I’m not shaking in my boots or having a melt-down. I’m just really excited. I’ve grown a lot over the last 9 months. I made a lot of changes to my life about 9 months ago. I quit everything. I had been volunteering for years, sometimes to the detriment of my own health, needs and desires. So, I quit. I quit going to my church and started searching for a new church.

Not that my church was at fault. I totally blame myself for getting myself in the situation I was in. I let everyone come to depend on “Miss Libi”. “Miss Libi” will do it. And I always did. I had still not learned how to say no. It came to a point where I was doing everything for everyone else, but nothing for me. I realize that’s selfish, but frankly, someone had to look out for me. I’m single. When one is married, it’s presumed that your spouse will take care of you. I don’t have someone like that, so I have to learn to do it for myself. It’s a dangerous thing to learn, because I can become incredibly selfish, but I’m going to try and find a good balance.

I strongly believe going back to school is for me, but also approved of by God. If not, I don’t think everything would have gone as smoothly as it has. I’m going to continue to go forward in faith, trusting in God to lead the way. (Proverbs 3:5-6!)

So, when I start crying and whining about school being too hard, will you all please remind me about this post. Thanx!

*Not her real name