Understanding Myself

I spent the afternoon, yesterday, with a good friend who has moved to Texas. Georgia* has had a bit of a rough time of it since moving. It’s her first time living alone and the stress has brought out some issues. She and I were chatting about that and I had an epiphany about myself (selfish, aren’t I?).

I’ve been kicking myself for not going to school much earlier, when I didn’t have to work and wouldn’t have to juggle work, kids in school, parents and my own school. I’ve come to the realization that I could not have gone to school anyway. I was not emotionally ready to do it.

All these years I’ve still been dealing with my grief and my PTSD. A huge part of the PTSD is panic attacks when put into a new situation. Going to school would have been a huge “new” situation for me. Also, while I was home, I was homeschooling. My kids come first. They always have and they always will. I do not believe I could have juggled homeschooling them and going to school full-time myself.

I’ve also realized that I’ve healed to the point that while I’m scared, it’s an exciting scared. I’m not shaking in my boots or having a melt-down. I’m just really excited. I’ve grown a lot over the last 9 months. I made a lot of changes to my life about 9 months ago. I quit everything. I had been volunteering for years, sometimes to the detriment of my own health, needs and desires. So, I quit. I quit going to my church and started searching for a new church.

Not that my church was at fault. I totally blame myself for getting myself in the situation I was in. I let everyone come to depend on “Miss Libi”. “Miss Libi” will do it. And I always did. I had still not learned how to say no. It came to a point where I was doing everything for everyone else, but nothing for me. I realize that’s selfish, but frankly, someone had to look out for me. I’m single. When one is married, it’s presumed that your spouse will take care of you. I don’t have someone like that, so I have to learn to do it for myself. It’s a dangerous thing to learn, because I can become incredibly selfish, but I’m going to try and find a good balance.

I strongly believe going back to school is for me, but also approved of by God. If not, I don’t think everything would have gone as smoothly as it has. I’m going to continue to go forward in faith, trusting in God to lead the way. (Proverbs 3:5-6!)

So, when I start crying and whining about school being too hard, will you all please remind me about this post. Thanx!

*Not her real name



Filed under Rambling

3 responses to “Understanding Myself

  1. Toni

    Good for you! I hope school is a wonderful, positive experience for you.

    I never volunteered anywhere even close to the level you did but I too did have to quit everything (including some relationships) and just concentrate on me and my family and it was so very needed! I’m much better for it.

    Good luck in your church search. Let me know if you find something you like. We are still searching.


  2. Ami

    I think realizing how much all those people were taking advantage of you was a huge, huge step. There were times I wanted to simultaneously whap you upside the head AND drive to Utah and beat the hell out of the people who were treating you so badly.

    I’m very excited for you, and know that you will do wonderfully as you take this huge step of going back to school, and as you continue to heal and learn things about yourself.

    You’re my hero.


  3. I gave you an award


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